The Truth

I'm back...it's been a few days and I have returned with one of the most vulnerable blogs yet! I have been working on this one for a few days, but wasn't quite ready to post it until today!

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off at my grandmothers just before the summer ended. I was quite confused by this since I was supposed to start the ninth grade in a few short weeks. My grandmothers home was not a peaceful place and I was saddened that my mother would leave my sister and I there.

I do remember the property though! She lived on a beautiful piece of land that was lined with the most extravagant trees and a small vineyard. At the top of the driveway the house was set perfectly against the mountain. I do have a picturesque memory of the property. The inside of the house held such another reality. When we were outside we could be and become whatever we wanted, but inside there were rules. Strict rules.

During our stay with our grandmother my mother came to visit! I was so happy to see her. She must of come to pick us up. I ran straight to my room and began packing all my stuff. When I returned with bags in hand my mother was already outside in her car. I was so confused. Didn't she come to get us? As I ran to the window of the car she began driving away. My heart dropped as I chased the car down the entire drive, screaming for her to stop and take me with her. Unfortunately, the car never stopped! Then I heard the words that began shaping my life forever! "Elizabeth, your mother isn't coming back. This is a permanent situation." I ran back to the old smelly room and began to cry. I remember crying out to God, "why doesn't she want me anymore?" That question, was unanswered for decade.

I decided in a brief moment, that if my mother wasn't going to fight for me I will fight for her! So, I began planning, lying, scheming to get out of my grandmothers home. I planned to visit a friend who lived right next door to my mom. I promised that I would return back to my grandmothers, knowing in my heart I had no intention in returning to that home. I had to get out of there! As I arrived back in the Village where I lived no one had known of our quick departure...they just kept asking me why there were ambulances at our house the night before. My heart sunk! My heart seemed to find the pit of my stomach quite often those days.

In my search for my mother I was left with a terrible reality. My mother succumbed to her depression and took her own life! I am a daughter who's mother committed suicide. I have fought all my life with that reality. There was a time in my life that I wasn't even able to speak the truth of my mothers death. I would tell people she died from diabetes. But the truth is, SHE KILLED HERSELF! Now, that isn't a great friendship opener or even something that I need to tell everyone in my life. But I share the intimate details with you because it held me in a very dark place for a long time.

My mother took her life, but I took the blame! No one in my life around me blamed me, but I blamed myself. I held myself accountable for her decision. If, I had only been a better child. If, I only loved her more. If, I only listened better. If, I only hadn't been such a rebellious child! If, I only... See, I made up every excuse in the book of why this decision was my fault.

It's interesting that we can live a life completely bound by what we believe even if that belief holds no truth. We all have a a situation in our life that has been extremely painful. (A family member may not of committed suicide, but you hold some type of pain in your life) We can't allow painful circumstances in our lives to shape our belief system. I lived many years believing that my mothers decision had everything to do with me. Until, I started finding the truth. The truth wasn't found in physical research, but it was found in the heart of my Father. My Father, God! In my quest to find out who He was, He unveiled to me who I was. The Father's eyes are never on self, they are always on you. He started to uncover the beauty of who I was. Then, I uncovered the truth that I have lived my adult life around.

JEREMIAH 29:11
"I know that thoughts and plans I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans to take care of you, not abandoned you, plans to give you the future you hope for."

In this scripture, I found that the guilt that I carried about my mother wasn't even something that the God himself felt about me. I believed the lie, but it wasn't the truth. Circumstances may affect our lives, but they don't have to control our truth.

In our journey together, I hope God is unveiling the real you! Never forget, a lie isn't the truth even if you believe it!